


If You Wanna See The Sun

by worse_than_nicotine



Category: Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, M/M, POV First Person, Post-Split, Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-06
Updated: 2020-05-06
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:13:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 450
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24036412
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/worse_than_nicotine/pseuds/worse_than_nicotine
Summary: 1st person pov snippet inspired by Ryan's interview with Paige Elkington.
Relationships: Ryan Ross/Brendon Urie
Kudos: 4





	If You Wanna See The Sun

**Author's Note:**

> Please read the tags!

_"If you wanna see the sun, you're gonna have to dig your way out..." - Ryan Ross_

I woke up. God, I wish I didn't. I feel a hammer hitting my skull from the inside every time I try to move. Why is it so bad anyway? I wasn't even that drunk before I fell asleep or was I? I don't know anymore. It's never enough already. Even when I pass out, the last thing I think about is that it's far too soon. I was going to finish the song. Oh, right, maybe this is the real problem. How much precisely do I have to drink to make him appear in my life again? It doesn't work like that, I'm not stupid. 

I got up. I am definitely drunk still, and I have to hold onto the furniture in order to reach the bathroom. I see someone in the mirror briefly, but I have no intention to approach that person. He is not a nice guy, he will judge me. He'll say: "Ryan, what are you doing? Do you aspire to end up like your dad?" I'm different. I'm different. I'm different. I'm… Just shut up, you crazy bastard!

I got back to bed. Not exactly what I want, but I won't be able to do anything right now. Every muscle inside my body hurts. This dull annoying pain never really goes away, I'm quite certain. Yeah I should seek help and fast, the mirror man is asking me to, all the fucking time. But he is saying lots of other stuff as well, which is not actually wise I guess, like "You should write to him" or "You should tell him how you feel"... I don't feel anything. The truth is, my mind is simply refusing to come up with good ideas for the vocal parts in my songs when they are not supposed to be Brendon's. I write down a few lines and before I begin to think about it, I hear him singing them in my head. I truly hate this.

I remember the day when we woke up next to each other. It is after that day everything went straight to hell. Now I wish we haven't slept together. I wish I could tell my younger self to make Brendon stop at the moment he unbuckled my belt and started kissing my stomach. But I also know I probably wouldn't listen. Is there a reason for all of it to happen? How much longer must I punish myself to finally get rid of the guilt?

I will get help. I will get better. But will he ever sing the songs from the folder I named "B"?


End file.
